old/new

i read about this the other day on stereogum.  now i’m obsessed.

my internet mix tape.

i asked you to be careful

last night i got home from work and planned on seeing the movie teeth. kyle was getting ready for a date when i got home, he washed some clothes in a bucket and then dried them in the microwave. i told him i didn’t think that was a good idea. i remember putting socks in the microwave when i was little, and that didn’t go over very well. though, i think i put the socks in for like a half an hour and just left them. it seemed to work out for kyle, and he was pretty excited to show me his steaming underpants right after he pulled them fresh out of the microwave.

i left a bit later to meet jackie and phil at town hall pub. when i got there it seemed like phil didn’t really want to go see the movie anymore. i convinced them to go to the movie with me again, and then we walked all the way from the bar to the music box. phil taught jackie french the whole way.

i don’t know how i feel about the movie, and that’s all i can say. i think i’m confused still. kyle was thinking about taking his date to the midnight showing, and so he sent me a text message and asked me if the movie was good. i asked jackie what i should tell him, but because i still wanted him to take his date to see it, i said, “yeah… if you like that kind of thing!” i can’t imagine he knows what that means, because i don’t really either.

we then went to dani’s apartment, where i saw this commercial -

i guess these public service announcements are supposed to be funny, but at the same time seriously get across the “don’t even drive buzzed!” message as well. i think it works, this commercial is hilarious. people spitting out their own teeth gets me every time!!! people with teeth in their vagina? i’m not so sure.

i’m a big fat slob.

last night all i wanted to do was watch the mtv hills party.  due to my ragin’ headache and inability to keep my eyes open, i fell asleep on my couch until 3 a.m.  i kept waking up to all the shows that were on mtv, during which the nightmare fairy paid me a nasty visit, causing me to wake up to the x-effect.

i woke up, brushed my snags and went into my bed.  i should have been laying down in for a CAT scan.  i’ve been getting the worst headaches lately, and i really think it’s because of the lack of cigarettes and coffee in my life lately.

help me!

here is some good news, erica called me from south carolina to tell me that she bought $20 worth of cupcakes for us to eat!

cave dweller

i went to my aunt’s house to celebrate easter today. i took my cousins luke and brooke a long for a religious themed walk, as to try and truly understand the meaning of easter. i stepped in dog poop while cutting through yards.

i actually would like for you to see all the pictures that i took today, because i like them all. so, go look at my flickr page, you little jerks!

i would also like you to scroll down to the post that i made on march 19th. the lady from the bleeding heart bakery left me a comment saying that i could be the official punk rock pastry namer! i’m pretty excited about that comment. i bet i would be good at that job.

today was a pretty fun day.

the people who live in the apartment above me knocked on my door to give me an easter egg that they colored and wrote my name on.  it really was very nice of them, but i wish i had hid in my room like i usually do when they knock because now i feel bad for all the times i’ve done that in the past and for all the times i will continue to do so in the future.

happy easter!

capitalism stole my virginity

i’ve already found out about something that is better than a bakery that sells anarchy chocolate and sid vicious cupcakes. last night i heard about a restaurant that names their burgers after metal bands! i really want to go there now, but the fact that i’m a vegetarian really takes the fun out of it. even so, just like a lot of people who i’ve seen that like metal, the burgers are pretty gross looking. i asked the person that told me about this place if they have an vegetarian options, and the closest thing he could think of was the judas priest.

-JUDAS PRIEST Bacon, Bleu Cheese Dressing with Apples, Walnuts, and dried cranberries

i love that the faggiest thing they have on their menu is named after judas priest. here are some of the other things on the menu, that i will now copy and paste for you to look at-

KAIJO Bacon, Bleu Cheese, Frizzled Onions
BLACK SABBATH Blackening Spice, Chili, Pepper Jack, Red Onion
YOB Smoked Gouda, Bacon, Roasted Red Peppers, Roasted Garlic Mayo
IRON MAIDEN Avocado, Cherry Peppers, Pepper Jack, Chipotle Mayo
SLAYER Pile of fries topped with a ½ lb. Burger, Chili, Cherry Peppers, Andouille, Onions, Jack Cheese, and Anger
NEUROSIS Cheddar, Swiss, Sautéed Mushrooms, Caramelized Onions, Horseradish Mayo
METALLICA Buffalo Sauce, Bacon, Bleu Cheese Dressing
MELVINS Fresh Basil, Prosciutto, Mozzarella, Tomato, Onion
CLUTCH Cheddar, Swiss, Jack, Smoked Gouda
MASTODON BBQ Sauce, Cheddar, Bacon, Frizzled Onions
LED ZEPPELIN Pulled Pork, Bacon, Cheddar, Pickles
MOTORHEAD Goat Cheese, Kalamata Olives, Oregano, Tzatziki, Onion, Tomato
MAYHEM Sliced Jalapenos, Pancetta, Pepper Jack, Gardinera Mayo
DARK THRONE Chipotle Peppers, Goat Cheese, Fresh Pico de Gallo
GOBLIN COCK Bacon, Cheddar Cheese, ¼lb. Vienna Hot Dog, Tomatoes, Onion, Neon Green Relish, Sport Peppers, Pickles, Celery Salt Mustard
MINSK Pastrami, Swiss Cheese, Sauerkraut, Brown Mustard
FU MANCHU Grilled Japanese Eggplant, Teriyaki sauce, Wasabi Mayo, Frizzled Daikon Radish
PLAGUE BRINGER Roasted Garlic Mayo, Tortilla Strips, Chicago CO-OP hot sauce, Fresh Garlic, Pepper Jack, Sliced Jalapenos
HIGH ON FIRE Siracha Hot Chili Sauce, Prosciutto, Roasted Red Pepper, Grilled Pineapple, Sweet Chili Paste
LAIR OF THE MINOTAUR Caramelized Onions, Pancetta, Brie, Bourbon Soaked Pears

now is your chance to finally go to a restaurant and order a goblin cock or a plague bringer. so let’s just go together. that’s another good thing about having a boy roommate, i bet i can make him go with me and order the slayer.

http://www.kumas-corner.com/

dear mother nature,

you’re a dirty bitch.

the air harp makes me uncomfortable.

oi

i’ve been looking on the internet for different bakeries i could eat cupcakes from. it is my spring break, and i actually wanted to spend it by going to as many different bakeries as i could. topless.

i did stumble upon one bakery that i wanted to go to right away, the bleeding heart bakery!

when i saw the name, i thought to myself, “sounds like a bakery with an attitude”, and sure enough it’s like a punk rock bakery. there were even chocolates with little anarchy symbols on them! they were named after sid vicious i think. the card said something about him, but i didn’t read the whole thing. i don’t know why it amuses me so much that it’s a punk rock bakery, it just does.

they had other chocolates that were bigger and shaped like things such as praying hands and revolvers. i wanted the big praying hands chocolate and erica wanted the revolver chocolate, but we realized they were only worth buying if a bunch of people could see us eating them. so instead i got a brownie and ate some of it in erica’s car, and the rest in jimmy john’s, right before i accidentally spilled pop all over their floor. i was a bit disappointed that there was nothing punk rock about the brownie, but it was damn good anyhow. though, it would have been better if they at least tried to fit the punk rock theme into everything! my brownie totally could have been named after g.g. allin or something.

they will walk in on me doing squats.

kyle went on a date on thursday night. i guess he likes the girl so far, so he plans on asking her out again this week. i asked him what he was planning on doing, and he said that he would probably take her out to eat and then invite her over to our apartment for a little. i figure she likes him too because she already put him in her top 8 friends!!!

so i told him that when he brings her over, i’m going to act like his ex-girlfriend who still lives with him. he told me that he already told her that i was a homo. so i decided that when he gets up to go the the bathroom, i will ask, “he told you i was a dyke, didn’t he?”, and then i will explain to her that he tells all the girls that, and that we were actually lovers for a long time and that we only broke up a couple weeks ago, we are both just too stubborn to move out. kyle thought it was a really funny idea, and he really wants me to do that when she comes over! i was really excited that he would go a long with it, so i was practicing what i was going to say to her with kyle. i figure when they first arrive, i will coldly ask him questions such as, “how have you been?”, and “who is this?”, while nodding my head sideways towards her. kyle thought i did a really good acting job, so good that he thinks that i must have been a straight jealous bitch in my past life. so i’m really excited for my acting debut this week. i think i will keep it up for as long as he see this girl, even after he tells her it is a joke. maybe i should just go out of my way to make everyone who comes over to my apartment feel really awkward.

another thing, kolleen was at rainbo last night and so kyle and i met up with her. first of all, as a smoker who is trying to smoke less, i really didn’t give a shit about the smoking ban. it really wasn’t a big deal to me… until i realized that now, instead of smelling like cigarette smoke, bars smells like farts. this was brought to my attention by someone else, but ever since then, i’ve really noticed. actually, the smell is a little bit more foreign to me than farts, but that is the closest smell i can relate it to. rainbo smelled worse than the red line on it’s worst days. i suddenly miss the eye-watering smell of 50 people smoking all at once. it’s already hard enough to hold a conversation at bar, especially when you’re trying to talk with your hoodie pulled up over your mouth and nose.

rainbo smells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you’re not dying, you’re just annoyed.

i’m listening to the vampire weekend album right now. i had only heard one song from them before now. i was interested in hearing them more because i felt like i blinked and they went from popular to too-popular-to-be-cool-anymore status faster than i’ve noticed a lot of other bands have. it really wasn’t too long ago that their album came out, and they have already played on SNL and are on MTV advising people to wear condoms. i’m glad that i think the album is just okay, so that i can stay out of this backlash. though, i will say that the 10th song on the album is pretty damn good, so i think i might consider wearing condoms from now on. someone else on tv had told me to wear them once, but i won’t let some band with a shitty album influence my wild, careless lifestyle.

anyhow, i recently read “like life” by lorrie moore. i really liked it. it’s hard for me to explain why i liked it, so i’ll give you an example from one of the short stories – the main character in this particular story, zoe, has a favorite joke about a man who goes to his doctor and the doctor says, “well, i’m sorry to say you’ve got six weeks to live.” “i want a second opinion,” says the guy. “you want a second opinion? ok,” says the doctor. “you’re ugly, too.”

later in the story, zoe goes to a party and meets a guy that her friend wants to set her up with. she meets the guy and is talking to him when he asks her what her favorite joke is. she goes to tell him her joke, but he interrupts her because he thinks he already knows the joke. his joke is about a guy who goes to the doctor’s office, but the doctor tells the guy that he has good news and bad news for him. the doctor tells the guy the bad news first, that he has three weeks to live. so the guy asks what the good news is, and the doctor says, “did you see that secretary out front? i finally fucked her.”

“zoe frowned. ‘that’s not the one you were thinking of?’ ‘no.’ there was accusation in her voice. ‘mine was different.’”

so close yet so far! i don’t know, maybe you should just read the book for yourself.